how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
