i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
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You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
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There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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