Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You ate ashes out of my bong
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
