I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
