he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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