I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
