Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
