I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
