A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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