After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
