i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
