i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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