We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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