i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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