Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
