So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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