I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
