she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
