I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize