She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Randomize
