Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
