I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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