I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
In other news, I just burned my penis
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
