Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
