I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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