I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
