There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
