My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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