I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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