i don't like sucking hair
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
COCAINE IS GR8
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
