Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
We left the knife in your bed.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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