If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
