I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Randomize
