It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Randomize
