i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
