I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
