i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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