she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
