i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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