WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
