i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
