im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
