Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
