After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
