So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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