and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
