i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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