Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
