hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
