I am puke
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
