I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
