I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever