Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
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he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
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Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''