Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.