i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
