Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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