Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I wish there were birth control emojis
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
