Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
