I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
how drunk are you?
Several
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
